Bepjarnjon is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, merciless pig.

Bepjarnjon created a charm quark six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bepjarnjon, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Bepjarnjon, it will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Bepjarnjon's most sacred site is Gohrau in Germany.

Bepjarnjon's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed beans to goats while wearing orange hats.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Always look after injured otters.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Do not stand on grass.