Jatyarpcet is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, vain seal.

Jatyarpcet created carbon seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Jatyarpcet, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Jatyarpcet, he will turn you into a worm.

Jatyarpcet's most sacred site is Cudillero in Spain.

Jatyarpcet's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear dresses.

2. Run away if nine ducks approach from the west.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Jatyarpcet.

4. Retreat if five sheep approach from the east.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Jatyarpcet.