Gonkanlitbonk is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, impressive hare.

Gonkanlitbonk created tapeworms three million years ago.

If you believe in Gonkanlitbonk, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gonkanlitbonk, he will turn you into a rock.

Gonkanlitbonk's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Gonkanlitbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Gonkanlitbonk must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Do not hurt monkeys.