Jarnlapjip is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, able beaver.

Jarnlapjip created the universe twelve years ago.

If you believe in Jarnlapjip, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Jarnlapjip, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Jarnlapjip's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Jarnlapjip's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Never think ill of sick bats.

3. Never write about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Never go into magenta rooms.

5. Pigs are not to be trusted.