Afyarlpidnan is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, idiotic hydra.

Afyarlpidnan created dark energy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Afyarlpidnan, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Afyarlpidnan, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Afyarlpidnan's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Afyarlpidnan's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed garlic to hamsters while wearing turquoise trousers.

2. Do not wear fawn clothing.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Pray towards the north.