Quamtonkwan is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, dishonourable turtle.

Quamtonkwan created everything that exists three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quamtonkwan, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Quamtonkwan, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Quamtonkwan's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Quamtonkwan's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Do not drink water in yellow rooms.

4. Quamtonkwan loves sheep, so they must be honoured.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.