Tomcarteen is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, uncaring hare.

Tomcarteen created oxygen nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tomcarteen, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Tomcarteen, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tomcarteen's most sacred site is Cobbel in Germany.

Tomcarteen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in purple rooms.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Do not wear platinum on your body.

5. Do not trade with those who eat spinach.