Cumkapkin is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, narcissistic tortoise.

Cumkapkin created a quark twelve years ago.

If you believe in Cumkapkin, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Cumkapkin, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Cumkapkin's most sacred site is Saint-Sauvan in France.

Cumkapkin's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if nine doves approach from the south.

2. Always wear turquoise.

3. Always look after injured pigs.

4. Never write about comets.

5. Do not speak about coconuts.