Bessjammet Barnmattar is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, smart tapir.

Bessjammet Barnmattar created energy four billion years ago.

If you believe in Bessjammet Barnmattar, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Bessjammet Barnmattar, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Bessjammet Barnmattar's most sacred site is Manakuppam in India.

Bessjammet Barnmattar's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at planets.

2. Never talk about galaxies.

3. Erect five silicon sculptures of Bessjammet Barnmattar on top of important buildings.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.