Kabcabrakquartpak is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, generous armadillo.

Kabcabrakquartpak created time and space seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kabcabrakquartpak, she will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Kabcabrakquartpak, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Kabcabrakquartpak's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Kabcabrakquartpak's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear shorts.

2. Put Kabcabrakquartpak first in all things.

3. Look mercifully on unfortunate squirrels.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not listen to music.