Ingyarlat is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, proud seal.

Ingyarlat created matter five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ingyarlat, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Ingyarlat, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Ingyarlat's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Ingyarlat's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

2. Do not speak about apples.

3. Do not trade with those who eat aubergines.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Do not drink alcohol.