Foncarquat is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, loving walrus.

Foncarquat created an up quark two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Foncarquat, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Foncarquat, it will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Foncarquat's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Foncarquat's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never hurt badgers.

3. Foncarquat loves eagles, so they must be respected.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Foncarquat.

5. Never look in ponds.