Vonkquartstraggan is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, unthoughtful rhinoceros.

Vonkquartstraggan created energy eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Vonkquartstraggan, she will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Vonkquartstraggan, she will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Vonkquartstraggan's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Vonkquartstraggan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear lead on your body.

2. Always help squirrels.

3. You must never eat turnips.

4. Doves are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Do not chop down trees.