Futfodtail is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, selfish seal.

Futfodtail created parasitic wasps eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Futfodtail, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Futfodtail, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Futfodtail's most sacred site is Qantir in Egypt.

Futfodtail's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed rice to ants while wearing gray kilts.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Never think about gravity.

4. Run away if five sharks approach from the east.

5. Pray towards the south.