Tiftalwod is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, blissful cow.

Tiftalwod created a bottom quark three million years ago.

If you believe in Tiftalwod, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Tiftalwod, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Tiftalwod's most sacred site is Avebury Stone Circle in England.

Tiftalwod's Holy Commandments

1. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

2. Do not trade with those who eat figs.

3. Erect a large gold sculpture of Tiftalwod on top of all buildings.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Nematodes are unholy and should not be approached.