Cumquaftin is a god.

It takes the form of a five hundred metre long, emotional pig.

Cumquaftin created viruses three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Cumquaftin, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Cumquaftin, it will attempt to scare you with floods.

Cumquaftin's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Cumquaftin's Holy Commandments

1. Hide if five badgers approach from the south.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Never mention otters.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Manatees are unholy and should not be approached.