Jarnlopkom is a god.

He takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, fussy ant.

Jarnlopkom created dark energy eight million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnlopkom, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Jarnlopkom, he will torture you forever.

Jarnlopkom's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Jarnlopkom's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the west.

2. You must pray to Jarnlopkom eight times a day.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Always treat squirrels with great respect.

5. Never run in the presence of nematodes.