Tonkwantip is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, unfair raccoon.

Tonkwantip created an atom four years ago.

If you believe in Tonkwantip, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Tonkwantip, he will turn you into a frog.

Tonkwantip's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Tonkwantip's Holy Commandments

1. Capybaras are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Erect nine gold sculptures of Tonkwantip on top of important buildings.

3. Run away from magenta hamsters, for they are unholy.

4. Do not make images of living things.

5. Always stare at clouds.