Van is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, selfish deer.

Van created the universe seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Van, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Van, it will turn you into a rock.

Van's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Van's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your neck.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Always help bats in need.

5. You must love Van.