Padtanfem is a god.

He takes the form of a large, witless spider.

Padtanfem created oxygen eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Padtanfem, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Padtanfem, he will turn you into a tree.

Padtanfem's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Padtanfem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about amino acids.

2. Do not kill ants.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Never wear cyan corsets.

5. Padtanfem must be the most important thing in your life.