Toffarcun is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, humorless bear.

Toffarcun created energy seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Toffarcun, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Toffarcun, it will turn you into a tree.

Toffarcun's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Toffarcun's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about asteroids.

2. You must pray to Toffarcun three times a day.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Toffarcun.

4. Always look after injured dolphins.

5. Never paint your feet brown.