Ontappquaf is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, unjust donkey.

Ontappquaf created a Higgs boson nine million years ago.

If you believe in Ontappquaf, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Ontappquaf, he will turn you into a hamster.

Ontappquaf's most sacred site is Amrit in Egypt.

Ontappquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if three swans approach from the south.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Do not dye your hair yellow.

4. Do not listen to music.

5. Never paint your legs fawn.