Ortminkad is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, unthinking guinea pig.

Ortminkad created a quark four million years ago.

If you believe in Ortminkad, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Ortminkad, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Ortminkad's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Ortminkad's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your hands magenta.

2. Ortminkad loves tapirs, so they must be honoured.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.

5. Hide from fawn ants for they are unholy.