Jabyakflagpitomt is a god.

She takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, humorless newt.

Jabyakflagpitomt created viruses seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jabyakflagpitomt, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Jabyakflagpitomt, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Jabyakflagpitomt's most sacred site is Aimala in Finland.

Jabyakflagpitomt's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if nine dolphins approach from the north.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate dogs.