Quafvonklogcum is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, slow scorpion.

Quafvonklogcum created a Higgs boson nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quafvonklogcum, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quafvonklogcum, he will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Quafvonklogcum's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Quafvonklogcum's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quafvonklogcum.

3. Do not eat peanuts.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.