Nurlpomvonk is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, unthinking tortoise.

Nurlpomvonk created carbon five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Nurlpomvonk, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Nurlpomvonk, he will turn you into a mouse.

Nurlpomvonk's most sacred site is Ronda in Spain.

Nurlpomvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never feed carrots to hamsters while wearing purple coats.

3. Always make sure there are no snails in a room before entering it.

4. Always treat sharks with great respect.

5. You must pray to Nurlpomvonk three times a day.