Nartmonhim is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely fat, bad-tempered toad.

Nartmonhim created a top quark five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nartmonhim, it will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Nartmonhim, it will turn you into a giant slug.

Nartmonhim's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Nartmonhim's Holy Commandments

1. Hide if six pigs approach from the south.

2. Run away if nine eagles approach from the east.

3. Nartmonhim must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Run away from fawn hamsters, for they are unholy.

5. Always treat horses with great respect.