Arpquatquim is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, irritating penguin.

Arpquatquim created carbon nine million years ago.

If you believe in Arpquatquim, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Arpquatquim, he will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Arpquatquim's most sacred site is Uruachi in Mexico.

Arpquatquim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. You must love Arpquatquim.

3. Never talk about manatees.

4. Never write about black holes.

5. Do not take Arpquatquim's name in vain.