Zenquatnartkam is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, ill-tempered spider.

Zenquatnartkam created humankind four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zenquatnartkam, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Zenquatnartkam, he will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Zenquatnartkam's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Zenquatnartkam's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Always make sure there are no horses in a room before entering it.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. You must never eat peas.

5. Never write about cell theory.