Volvadgam is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, two-faced fish.

Volvadgam created the world nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Volvadgam, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Volvadgam, he will turn you into a snail.

Volvadgam's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Volvadgam's Holy Commandments

1. Volvadgam loves pigs, so they must be honoured.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate bats.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

5. Always help seals.