Kaplikcum is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, ruthless newt.

Kaplikcum created energy three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kaplikcum, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kaplikcum, he will boil you in a big pot.

Kaplikcum's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Kaplikcum's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill voles.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Kaplikcum must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Do not wear mauve clothing.