Jonmetkem is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, thoughtless penguin.

Jonmetkem created water seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jonmetkem, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Jonmetkem, he will try to impress you with rainbows.

Jonmetkem's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Jonmetkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Do not hurt goats.

4. Always treat nematodes with great respect.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.