Quimvonkdam is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, duplicitous gnu.

Quimvonkdam created the Black Eye Galaxy six billion years ago.

If you believe in Quimvonkdam, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Quimvonkdam, she will turn you into a sheep.

Quimvonkdam's most sacred site is Morella in Spain.

Quimvonkdam's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Always make sure there are no doves in a building before entering it.