Tonpogbag Govpakbet is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, kind hydra.

Tonpogbag Govpakbet created dark energy seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonpogbag Govpakbet, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Tonpogbag Govpakbet, it will cry a lot.

Tonpogbag Govpakbet's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Tonpogbag Govpakbet's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention sheep.

2. Feed all hungry porpoises.

3. Never paint your legs green.

4. Look mercifully on unfortunate pigs.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.