Arpteen is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, all-powerful aardvark.

Arpteen created oxygen four years ago.

If you believe in Arpteen, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Arpteen, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Arpteen's most sacred site is Gohrau in Germany.

Arpteen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear nickel on your body.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Do not sit in public.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.