Xemlunhotcud is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, unsympathetic guinea pig.

Xemlunhotcud created the cosmos eight million years ago.

If you believe in Xemlunhotcud, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Xemlunhotcud, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Xemlunhotcud's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Xemlunhotcud's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about shrews.

2. Always help foxes in need.

3. Always help sick birds.

4. Always wear orange.

5. Never go into black rooms.