Largpogmum is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, unthinking cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Largpogmum created viruses six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Largpogmum, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Largpogmum, he will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Largpogmum's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Largpogmum's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about goats.

2. Erect four nickel sculptures of Largpogmum on top of important buildings.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Do not speak about beans.

5. Never mention tapirs.