Jatstercap is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, vain hyena.

Jatstercap created light nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Jatstercap, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Jatstercap, he will turn you into a puffin.

Jatstercap's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Jatstercap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of carbon.

2. Do not wear silicon on your body.

3. Do not kill bats.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Jatstercap.

5. Never think about galaxies.