Timquartflis is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, awe-inspiring snail.

Timquartflis created a photon three million years ago.

If you believe in Timquartflis, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Timquartflis, it will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Timquartflis' most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Timquartflis' Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about cell theory.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never write about gravity.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Never mention pigs.