Quartwapdan is a god.

She takes the form of a five hundred metre long, dishonourable squid.

Quartwapdan created snails eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartwapdan, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Quartwapdan, she will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Quartwapdan's most sacred site is Vandet in Denmark.

Quartwapdan's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no otters in a building before entering it.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Hide if four aardvarks approach from the north.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.