Lagtarkomkarmap is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, smart monkey.

Lagtarkomkarmap created humankind eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagtarkomkarmap, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lagtarkomkarmap, she will boil you in a big pot.

Lagtarkomkarmap's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Lagtarkomkarmap's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Never write about cell theory.

4. Never wear blue stockings.

5. Lagtarkomkarmap must be the most important thing in your life.