Jabkadxuck is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, temperamental hippopotamus.

Jabkadxuck created dark energy eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jabkadxuck, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Jabkadxuck, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Jabkadxuck's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Jabkadxuck's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Sheep are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Never feed gooseberries to tapirs while wearing orange scarves.