Giltapkan is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, slow clam.

Giltapkan created the cosmos six billion years ago.

If you believe in Giltapkan, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Giltapkan, she will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Giltapkan's most sacred site is Skive in Denmark.

Giltapkan's Holy Commandments

1. Giltapkan loves rats, so they must be honoured.

2. Erect nine titanium sculptures of Giltapkan on top of important buildings.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Giltapkan.

4. Feed all hungry otters.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.