Ontwikjap is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, vain hippopotamus.

Ontwikjap created water four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontwikjap, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Ontwikjap, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Ontwikjap's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Ontwikjap's Holy Commandments

1. Swans are not to be trusted.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Erect six silver sculptures of Ontwikjap on top of important buildings.

4. Never hurt badgers.

5. Always help sick dogs.