Hatcussteen is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, overgenerous duck.

Hatcussteen created a top quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Hatcussteen, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Hatcussteen, he will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Hatcussteen's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Hatcussteen's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Do not sit in public.