Gemtenquag is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, smart mole.

Gemtenquag created snails six million years ago.

If you believe in Gemtenquag, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Gemtenquag, he will turn you into a worm.

Gemtenquag's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Gemtenquag's Holy Commandments

1. Goats are not to be trusted.

2. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Always wear pink.