Tonklitlak is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, omniscient hydra.

Tonklitlak created carbon three million years ago.

If you believe in Tonklitlak, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Tonklitlak, she will turn you into a snail.

Tonklitlak's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Tonklitlak's Holy Commandments

1. Tonklitlak loves otters, so they must be honoured.

2. Do not eat turnips.

3. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Never talk about cell theory.

5. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tonklitlak.