Afnanquag is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, staggering monkey.

Afnanquag created vertebrates five billion years ago.

If you believe in Afnanquag, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Afnanquag, she will be mildly annoyed.

Afnanquag's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Afnanquag's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Do not skip in public.

3. Put Afnanquag first in all things.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate sharks.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Afnanquag.