Mutlatjam is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, narcissistic octopus.

Mutlatjam created Africa six billion years ago.

If you believe in Mutlatjam, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Mutlatjam, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Mutlatjam's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Mutlatjam's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Mutlatjam.

2. Never think about amino acids.

3. Never feed aubergines to eagles while wearing white shoes.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Always make sure there are no snakes in a building before entering it.