Tarpgutjam is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, amazing lizard.

Tarpgutjam created carbon six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpgutjam, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Tarpgutjam, he will turn you into a puffin.

Tarpgutjam's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Tarpgutjam's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if four great tits approach from the north.

2. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

3. Retreat if eight sheep approach from the east.

4. Do not dye your hair orange.

5. Put Tarpgutjam first in all things.